Purity Culture and Pimps
The dark side of modesty and sexual protection
I was raised in a Protestant missionary household. We had lots of rules, like many religious families, but some that I have later found to be quite unusual. I always wrote off the strict modesty and guidelines for interacting with the opposite sex as coming from a place of wanting to protect me. But now that I am learning more about bodily autonomy, I see these actions as much more sinister.
Trigger Warning: I use the word rape several times.
I feel like my parents were my pimps.
Both were over-obsessed with my sex life, sex future, with whom I shall have sex, what kind of sex, kissing and any touching were also regulated. Our skirts were long, we didn’t wear sleeveless shirts, our hair was encouraged to grow long as well. We grew up referring to sex as the ‘s’-word, like it was a swear word, something too filthy to even say. My dad dreamed of arranged marriage and courtship for me, with a guy of his choosing. When I was young he poisoned me into being afraid of all men, because apparently all men were only thinking about sex with me or at the very least my naked body. I wasn’t welcome in their house if I didn't follow their rules, especially about MY body.
My body was controlled without my permission, against my will, to my utter harm and to satisfy their desires.
I used to try and rationalize my mother’s role in all this, but now that I frame these things this way, what kind of mom would sit by and let her husband be so obsessed with her daughter’s sex life and organs? And even go so far as to join in the obsession? It is disgusting. I find it abusive and I am beyond angry with her too.
At the end of all this, I feel like I have been soul-raped. My body feels passively raped, so to speak. My body was controlled without my permission, against my will, to my utter harm and to satisfy THEIR desires.
Nothing is more toxic than parents manipulating their kids' feelings about their own bodies, desires, natural urges, hormones, needs, and even existence. The shame and fear I grew up with damaged me deeply, hurt my relationships as I didn’t know what healthy boundaries were, and in some forms still hurts me today, despite trying to heal and move on. I struggle to fight against this training and conditioning to allow my own kid to choose what happens or doesn’t happen to their own body, but at the same time am seeking help to heal the parts of me that are still violated and open wounds.
Seeking Help
To deal with unpacking these many boxes of pain, abuse, and sexual trauma, I’ve found a few groups, research projects, and organizations that have been more than helpful in my healing journey:
- the Women Recovering from Purity Culture Facebook group
- the After Purity Project
- learning about my Attachment Disorders from the Attachment Project
As this is an ongoing process and I’m just at the beginning of my journey, I will add to this article as I find more helpful resources.
